I may or may not have some serious anger issues. For the sake of argument lets say I do, and while we are at it, lets say my issues go well beyond anger. My little angel is taking his afternoon nap, my husband is mowing and I am practicing deep breathing to try and calm myself down as I pound away on the keyboard. Why am I so angry? I really don't know. But I do know the trigger - the lawn mower broke. That's right the lawn mower broke and this prompted my current melt down. Within minutes of hearing the news (no I wasn't even the one mowing) I suddenly keyed in on every dirty dish scattered about the house, the two loads of clean laundry that were still waiting to be put away, the sheets on the unmade bed that needed to be changed and well it continued to spiral down from there. Next thing you know I'm storming around the house working on cleaning up various piles of clutter all the while muttering nasty comments under my breath. Even worse, in my head I'm having flash backs to my Mom storming around the house muttering the exact same words. "We don't deserve to have anything nice, if we can't take care of it," or "I guess I'm the only one capable of putting anything away around here." It sends a chill up my spine when I sit back and see what I'm doing. I remember thinking as a kid that my Mom just needed to relax a little bit. The world wouldn't end if something was out of place and these episodes put so much stress on everyone else in the house. But this isn't the worst of it for me. The worst part is how I feel when I start riding the angry train. Its like something snaps inside of me and I'm swept by a hot rushing wave of pure hate. The thoughts that are going through my head that I do NOT verbalize are horrible. It takes a concentrated effort for me not to start destroying things. I want to physically break things. I fight the urge to open the cabinet, remove the stack of plates and just start throwing them across the room. (I did this once when I was 22 and although it was somewhat satisfying at the time, the cleanup was a pain, and then I had to buy more plates when I was already broke). What's worse than the desire to destroy the house and all our belongings within? The desire to destroy relationships. I know how to emotionally hurt the people closest to me and at these moments I want nothing more than to spit out that phrase I know will drive the dagger deep in their heart. The only person who has ever been safe from this is my son. I have never felt even the slightest negative emotion towards him, not in the early days when we were sleep deprived, not ever. I can be spitting fire at the rest of the world, but will never show it around him, never speak the evil words if he is in the room, never let him feel anything but love when I hold him. Honestly I probably would not have gotten so worked up right now if it wasn't for the fact that he's napping.
I have to give myself the tiniest shred of credit. I have over the years recognized that I do this and learned how to control my actions and words in these moments much better, how to calm down faster and most importantly how to apologize. I hate apologizing. By the time I have calmed down enough to apologize I feel like I am making amends for someone else, like I am two separate people. There is the damaged side of me that takes control and wreaks havoc in my life and then there is the responsible side of me that cleans up all the mess. I try to keep the responsible well adjusted side of me running the show most of the time, but sometimes crazy just takes over.
Its been a couple days since I started this post and I am now in a completely different state of mind. I'm happy, I'm optimistic, I'm relaxed and everything is in prospective. But even reading what I had previously written I can recall that feeling. Honestly, it scares the shit out of me. I have no worries that I will ever physically harm anything or anyone. But I do worry that I will hurt my relationships, and even though their is always forgiveness from my friends and family, I worry that one day it will just be too much. There is also the big elephant I choose to ignore, what if at some point in my life it starts to get worse? What if instead of recognizing my actions and working diligently to improve my control, I start to lose it? What if i revert back to that time in my life where I was an unpredictable ball of chaos? The "what ifs" haunt me, but I try to keep them under wraps. If there is one thing I have learned, feeding my already overwhelming anxieties and insecurities is of no benefit to anyone.
Sometimes, I find myself following the mantra of a 12 step program "taking it one day at a time." Its really all I can do. I know that I will have these episodes of overwhelming all consuming anger again. They will happen and I must accept that. What I do not have to accept is how severe they are, how long they last, and how much damage they do, those things I can control. As much as I want to categorize everything into neat little boxes and plan for the future, I know that it is unrealistic to live life so rigidly. Besides, what's the fun? So I make my lists, I plan ahead, and then I constantly remind myself that I need to relax and enjoy life, not be angry at it.
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