I have to laugh at the image that pops in my head when I hear someone express their desire to "find themselves." I picture headless mummies walking around in a dense fog. Occasionally a floating head passes by and the fingers of the mummies grasp desperately in an attempt to see if that is the head that fits. What exactly does a person mean when they are trying to find themselves? Are they lost? Is this a glorified search for our missing car keys? Will we one day open the pantry, move the chicken stock and suddenly realize "this is who I am!" I certainly hope not. That seems to imply too much left to chance.
I think more accurately we are often trying to "define ourselves." We already exist with our own personality, our likes and dislikes, attributes, flaws, and quirks. What we are looking for is a definition of who we are. If there was a human dictionary with an entry for every person walking this Earth, what would it say after our name? If I read my entry, would I want to meet me? Would I be someone I would like? And lets not forget the BIG question, why is all of this so important?
One of the first things you learn in a basic philosophy class (well from what I remember) is the importance of defining terms. If you are going to have a discussion, you must make sure every participant defines their words the same. Otherwise its impossible to come to any conclusion. There is something in us that values knowing how we are defined both in our own eyes and in the eyes of others, and to really be successful in society those definitions must be the same. The problems erupt when your definition of yourself is the complete opposite of how another would define you. In a broad sense, this is the root of many of our interpersonal conflicts. We are not "defining our terms" the same.
What prompted this long rambling train of thought was kids. Kids are the ultimate game changer. Once you are a parent you must begin the process of redefining yourself. I've decided it is virtually impossible to predict what type of parent you will be and how you will feel as a parent until you are in fact a parent. I looked at one of my friends while she was pregnant and felt fairly confident she would be the overprotective, strictly regimented, classic helicopter parent controlling every little thing (or trying). I couldn't have been more wrong. Her son runs wild, and frequently runs wild - naked. Never saw that one coming. She is still very much the same person I knew pre-kid, but as a parent, I have had to come up with a new definition. Now I realize, its not just about figuring out who we are, but who we are in each of our different roles. Our dictionary entry would have to have numerous definitions because who we are is different dependant upon the role we are playing, spouse, parent, child, boss, employee, or random Kmart shopper. I can't think of a single person I know that I would describe the exact same regardless of their role. Just to add to the complication, we are continually evolving (at least I hope) and so how we define ourselves and those around us must also continue to evolve.
I stopped trying to "find myself" a long long time ago. It was an unfulfilling journey to nowhere. My focus has moved to trying to better understand myself, and trying to understand how others define me, then using this to improve my relationships. It becomes critical to accept that this process of defining never ends. I would not define myself today the same as I did ten years ago, and I will not define myself the same in another ten years. There is nothing "definite" about these "definitions." Every day has the potential to mold another aspect of my being. This is where hope begins, if I am unhappy with myself, I can begin the process of change. If a relationship is suffering, there is hope that both of us can evolve to a place where that relationship is once again fruitful. Nothing about ourselves and others is set in stone, some things are just a little more difficult to move around then others.
Much of the chatter running through my head lately has been focused on my new role as a parent. The last 9 months have been filled with me struggling to adjust to the drastic change in my life. Going from working 60+ hours a week, to quitting my job to stay at home with my son, and just recently starting to work part time (although mostly from home). I am still trying to process how so much love can come out of me, how every fiber of every muscle can ache with this intense love for my son. I hope every parent knows that euphoric feeling. I also realize that to be a strong role model and a good parent, I need to maintain my own identity. I am a Mom, but I also have many other roles, and all the varied aspects of who I am are important. It all comes back to this daily balancing act, and keeping my little dream in sight.
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