My previous post has led me to re-examine a topic I've been avoiding with myself. I've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder by multiple different doctors at different times. I think I was in my early college years when I was treated for depression by my primary care physician. In a matter of weeks after the initial diagnosis I found myself back in his office. Having been awake for days on end and experiencing a major manic episode, he quickly determined that I needed to seek more "specialized" help. I go to another doctor, answer a lot of questions, rambling on and fill out some surveys and boom, diagnosis: bipolar disorder. That started the prescription writing. I've been on every anti-depressant, anti-anxiety, mood stabilizer, anti-siezure; anti-psychotic medicine you can imagine. Often times I was on an annoying cocktail of multiple medicines all requiring different frequencies and timing. This one makes you drowsy and can only be taken once a day, so it must be taken at night. This gets you hyped up and is twice a day so I need to take it early morning and early evening. This one needs to be taken with food. This one can't be taken within so many hours of eating this... So many rules to remember. At one point I had one of those old lady pill boxes with the days of the week and am and pm marked on the little cubbies. I would get frustrated and go to a different doctor, withhold my previous diagnosis and start fresh, hoping to yield a different result. Funny thing is, no matter how much information I withheld about previous treatments and diagnosis, they all came to the same conclusion: bipolar disorder.
Fine, fine, fine. It made sense, I tried to take the meds, I tried to go to therapy, I tried to accept and embrace what this meant for my life. I bought the books, I wrote in my journals, I struggled with keeping my extremes in some sort of balance and control. The tricky thing is, there is no easy fix. Medications can be helpful, but finding the right ones, the right combinations, the right dosages is a very difficult and LONG process. Learning which medications do not work can be very scary.
Usually the doctors were most satisfied with my progress and regimen when I was left feeling completely numb. They could concoct some combination of drugs that left me feeling absolutely nothing. The worse tragedy could happen and I would feel - nothing. The greatest joy - nothing. I would often think that I would feel no different if I won the lottery and could fulfill every dream than I would if some natural disaster wiped out everyone and everything close to me. I didn't have the extreme manic episodes or the deep depression, but I didn't have the simple happy or sad. I had indifference and numbness.
What kind of life is an existence of no emotion? Alternately, what kind of life spins out of control from one extreme to another? I can't say which is preferable. They both have their pros and cons. When I was in middle school I wrote in a journal that, "I seem to feel everything more intensely than most people." I felt that the volume on all my emotions (good or bad) had been turned up. When this is what you feel your whole life and then its gone, you feel like you stopped breathing. Its quite unpleasant. I think this is common in those dealing with bipolar disorder.
I could write volumes on my experiences at this time, about bipolar disorder, but I'm less interested in the past and more interested in the present and the future. I have been un-medicated and very "stable" for over five years now. I've learned to recognize my triggers. I've learned that routine, diet, exercise, stability and continuity in my life are critical for keeping me centered. I've learned to recognize when I'm starting to shift towards one side or the other and then how I can bring myself back to center. I still go through "mini episodes" but they are not as extreme as they once were and I work hard to keep them from spiraling out of control.
This long period of stability has allowed me to lapse into what I am afraid is a false sense of security. I question if the bipolar label was really right for me. The more time that passes since my last major episode, the easier it is to convince myself that I was always misdiagnosed, that I was just going through a rough patch, that I've outgrown this. Unfortunately my research assures me that many people will go through long (years long) periods of stability. My research also assures me that no matter how long this honeymoon period, eventually these people will once again experience a major episode either manic or depressed.
Oh shit.
I want to throw away this bipolar label and pretend that it was a mistake, that it was a phase and will never impact my life again. I want to forget all of this and block it out like I have managed to block out so much of my life already - but I can't. I need to force myself to accept the possibility that things may one day get worse again. If I accept this possibility than I can be on guard for the signs and seek help early. If I am prepared, I can minimize the damage. If I ignore my past, I am bound to be blindsided in the future.
The anger I felt the other day, the urge to destroy the life I worked so hard to build (and in a lot of ways re-build), that anger is my reminder that I need to stay vigilant. I don't want the BP label. I don't wear it on my sleeve, but its still there tucked away inside and it can not be forgotten.
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